If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Vodka?
Forever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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