I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
