my phone needs a breathalizer
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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