We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
