Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
