Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
