You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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