I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hippo gnu deer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
