It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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