Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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