god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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