nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
