It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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