Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
