if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
