ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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