Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
