i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
