I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
