I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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