I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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