Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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