You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
