we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
