this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
