dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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