Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
