And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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