i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
