Someone shit on the floor
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
