Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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