I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
