he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
