I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
