if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
