I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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