he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
In other news, I just burned my penis
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
