I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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