Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
