Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
