Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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