My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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