community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
