You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Pappa wants mamma naked
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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