He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
