Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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