I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
