Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
