First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
