Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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