I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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