I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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