We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
