And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
