She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize