it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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