you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
