I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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