John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize