The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize