My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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