You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
