On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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