One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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