woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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