pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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