saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
