i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
