Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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