He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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