So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
