I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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